Such a great email! Wish I was in Tucson to see you & Ander Monson chat. This hit home to me because it’s clear-as-day true: “I believe it is very hard to picture the faces of imaginary people but that the movements of imaginary people are easier to see, if we’re given the right prompts.”
Nah it really did, don’t worry. I had a whole flash piece in dialogue published in apt magazine a few years back if you want to read it for entertainment value
She says, nothing. He says, nothing? Again? I’m ordering pizza. You like pizza. She says, I’ll just get something from the kitchen. He says, there’s really nothing in there that’s still edible. She says, I’ll have cereal. He says, again? She says, I like cereal. He says, there’s none left. She says, how would you know? When was the last time you checked to see what we did and didn’t have? He says, I saw the empty box by the bin, where you left it, and where it’ll stay until I chuck it out. She says, so go order your pizza. He says, oh I’m dismissed now am I? She says, it’ll take ages to get here anyway. I’m surprised they’re not telepathic at this stage and are sending it over as we speak. He says, mmm bitter. She says, I told Tom at work today what we’ve eaten for dinner every day this week and he was completely appalled. He says, Tom doesn’t have the depth of feeling to be appalled. Where did you put the menu? She says, it’s on the stairs, where you left it, where it’s been since we moved in last July, when it came in through the letterbox before we put up that sign that says NO JUNK MAIL PLEASE that’s faded now. He says, it’s not there. Where did you put it? She says, I didn’t touch it, I swear to God. He says, like you didn’t touch my driver’s licence? She says, oh come on, I don’t know how it got into the bottom drawer in the kitchen where we keep the knives. He says, the knife drawer, perhaps? She says, yes. He says, where did you put it? She says, I don’t remember touching it. He says, that doesn’t mean you didn’t. She says, douchebag. He says, I know what I’m getting anyway. She says, so do they. He says, bitch, please. She says, all I’m saying is that Tom was appalled. He says, ohhh, shit. Sorry. It is on the stairs. She says, who’s right now, dickface? He says, you are. This time. For once. Hi, can I make an order for delivery please? She says, wanker. Thinking he’s always fucking right. There’s Christmas pudding that’s been there for about 6 months now...I could eat that. That doesn’t go off - ? He says, one L.A. dog please. Yes, with – that’s right – taco sauce. She says, you love Christmas pudding. I got you a shopmade one last year when we couldn’t find your driver’s licence, to say sorry. He says, Yep that’s right – I’m on the phone. She says, I saved all week for it. Those shop ones are pretty dear actually. And they never taste as nice. And I remember your face as you ate it, closing your eyes with that smile nobody ever sees much. And I bent over, wriggling the drawer open because it sticks a bit, getting a knife to eat the pudding with because all the other cutlery was dirty – and there it was, your driver’s licence. I held it up in triumph but you had your eyes closed and didn’t see. He says, 30 minutes? Perfect, thank you.
I agree that for the most part, Lish's edit tightens things up considerably - particularly some of the dialogue. Replacing Herb with Mel, just as replacing Carl with Ed makes sense. Lish is aware that people read with their mouths and Mel is a name more, well, mellifluous, and Ed has the expected hard edge. But there are numerous edits that to me seem more gratuitous, more like Lish wanted to insert his personal style at Carver's expense. As an example, there's a passage in the original that reads, "The leaves of the aspen tree that leaned past the window flickered in the breeze". Lish edits this to, "the leaves of the aspen that leaned past the window ticked against the glass". Deleting 'tree' is perfectly acceptable. 'Tree' is redundant. But the environment that Carver sets is more visual than auditory. It's more about the light. Leaves flickering rather than ticking. But then there are other times where Lish substitutes a word (replacing 'accident' out on the interstate with 'thing' is a good example) and makes the dialogue more rhythmic and gives the reader a bit more insight into Mel's state of mind and recall ability: (It was May or June becomes It was May or maybe it was June). And as for pacing, I would have cut the part where Nick relates how he and Laura met and stetted the part where Terri describes the new restaurant. But that's just me and I'm going to quit now because any more of this would require an essay and I'm not about to do that.
Thank you Matt! This and a few other of your posts have reenergized me. I also got 'Refuse to Be Done' this morning and am on the second pass. Great Book!
Here's a third exercise: Take a dialogue-dominated scene and rewrite ninety to ninety-five percent of the dialogue as narrative, weaving it with the action. Use the five to ten percent that remains to punctuate the narrative.
Such a great email! Wish I was in Tucson to see you & Ander Monson chat. This hit home to me because it’s clear-as-day true: “I believe it is very hard to picture the faces of imaginary people but that the movements of imaginary people are easier to see, if we’re given the right prompts.”
Thank you, Jessica! I'm glad that bit resonated with you: I wasn't sure if others would feel the same!
Nah it really did, don’t worry. I had a whole flash piece in dialogue published in apt magazine a few years back if you want to read it for entertainment value
Yes! Feel free to share it here, if you'd like!
She says, nothing. He says, nothing? Again? I’m ordering pizza. You like pizza. She says, I’ll just get something from the kitchen. He says, there’s really nothing in there that’s still edible. She says, I’ll have cereal. He says, again? She says, I like cereal. He says, there’s none left. She says, how would you know? When was the last time you checked to see what we did and didn’t have? He says, I saw the empty box by the bin, where you left it, and where it’ll stay until I chuck it out. She says, so go order your pizza. He says, oh I’m dismissed now am I? She says, it’ll take ages to get here anyway. I’m surprised they’re not telepathic at this stage and are sending it over as we speak. He says, mmm bitter. She says, I told Tom at work today what we’ve eaten for dinner every day this week and he was completely appalled. He says, Tom doesn’t have the depth of feeling to be appalled. Where did you put the menu? She says, it’s on the stairs, where you left it, where it’s been since we moved in last July, when it came in through the letterbox before we put up that sign that says NO JUNK MAIL PLEASE that’s faded now. He says, it’s not there. Where did you put it? She says, I didn’t touch it, I swear to God. He says, like you didn’t touch my driver’s licence? She says, oh come on, I don’t know how it got into the bottom drawer in the kitchen where we keep the knives. He says, the knife drawer, perhaps? She says, yes. He says, where did you put it? She says, I don’t remember touching it. He says, that doesn’t mean you didn’t. She says, douchebag. He says, I know what I’m getting anyway. She says, so do they. He says, bitch, please. She says, all I’m saying is that Tom was appalled. He says, ohhh, shit. Sorry. It is on the stairs. She says, who’s right now, dickface? He says, you are. This time. For once. Hi, can I make an order for delivery please? She says, wanker. Thinking he’s always fucking right. There’s Christmas pudding that’s been there for about 6 months now...I could eat that. That doesn’t go off - ? He says, one L.A. dog please. Yes, with – that’s right – taco sauce. She says, you love Christmas pudding. I got you a shopmade one last year when we couldn’t find your driver’s licence, to say sorry. He says, Yep that’s right – I’m on the phone. She says, I saved all week for it. Those shop ones are pretty dear actually. And they never taste as nice. And I remember your face as you ate it, closing your eyes with that smile nobody ever sees much. And I bent over, wriggling the drawer open because it sticks a bit, getting a knife to eat the pudding with because all the other cutlery was dirty – and there it was, your driver’s licence. I held it up in triumph but you had your eyes closed and didn’t see. He says, 30 minutes? Perfect, thank you.
I love Night Moves. Hackman is just the best.
The best!
I have friends who will be at AWP, I think, promoting EcoTheo Collective and LOGOS Collective.
I agree that for the most part, Lish's edit tightens things up considerably - particularly some of the dialogue. Replacing Herb with Mel, just as replacing Carl with Ed makes sense. Lish is aware that people read with their mouths and Mel is a name more, well, mellifluous, and Ed has the expected hard edge. But there are numerous edits that to me seem more gratuitous, more like Lish wanted to insert his personal style at Carver's expense. As an example, there's a passage in the original that reads, "The leaves of the aspen tree that leaned past the window flickered in the breeze". Lish edits this to, "the leaves of the aspen that leaned past the window ticked against the glass". Deleting 'tree' is perfectly acceptable. 'Tree' is redundant. But the environment that Carver sets is more visual than auditory. It's more about the light. Leaves flickering rather than ticking. But then there are other times where Lish substitutes a word (replacing 'accident' out on the interstate with 'thing' is a good example) and makes the dialogue more rhythmic and gives the reader a bit more insight into Mel's state of mind and recall ability: (It was May or June becomes It was May or maybe it was June). And as for pacing, I would have cut the part where Nick relates how he and Laura met and stetted the part where Terri describes the new restaurant. But that's just me and I'm going to quit now because any more of this would require an essay and I'm not about to do that.
This is really a phenomenal treatment of dialogue. Great revision exercise. Thank you so much
Thank you Matt! This and a few other of your posts have reenergized me. I also got 'Refuse to Be Done' this morning and am on the second pass. Great Book!
Here's a third exercise: Take a dialogue-dominated scene and rewrite ninety to ninety-five percent of the dialogue as narrative, weaving it with the action. Use the five to ten percent that remains to punctuate the narrative.